The Drunk and a Priest
A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes
The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned."
Then the priest replied, "How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "It says in the paper, that the Pope has Arthritis.”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
“You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Bill and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After
a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Bill, our prayers have been answered."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."