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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoev er!' A
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would y ou say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'

Not bad...

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we’re going to change our underwear.”

The troops started cheering at the news.

“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

Better...

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

Will and Dai are in Cardiff airport for their first ever time on a plane;a flight to Spain on holiday.
Will is very nervous. As they walk across the tarmac to the plane, they catch up with a man with dark glasses, a white stick and a dog........and wearing a Captain's uniform !!

Will starts sweating !! S..c..c..c..use m.m.m ee !! he stutters. "Are you the p....p..p...ilot of this p.p..p lane ??"

"Yes!" said the man in uniform.
"aren't you b...b..b..b..lind asks Will" ? sweat pouring from every pore.

"Yes!" "Totally!"

"Then how do you m....m....m..anage to f...f...ff,,,f..ly the plane?" splurts out Will.

"No problem" says the pilot , with a smile. " The Dog goes in the hold and once I'm up there I go on automatic pilot !"

"B..b..b..b.ut how do you know when to t...t...t.ake off?" asks Will with his stomach turning.

"No problem !" says the pilot, " Because I am totally blind, I have superb hearing. When I get to the end of the runway, I hear all the passengers saying out loud.....
OOOOOH !!!......FOR......goodness SAKE !!!!!!

Good one Smoggie and Redkite.....this thread should be continue to have some best jokes from all over the world.....

Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - -

Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offers really good he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “He’s actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!

Re my Joke! I don't think a blind pilot would take off if he only heard a quiet "goodness sake" . What the passengers said was OOOOOOH ! FOR F....................**KS SAKE!!!!!!

That is not bad language. Neither is it with an U after the F.

It could be " FUNGUS STINKS " sake if written in full!!..or
FUNNY PINKS

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman rings the bell.

A boy answers. He's about 12 years old. He's wearing stockings, a bra, suspenders, frilly knickers and high heels. He has a spliff in one hand and a large scotch in the other.

Salesman: 'Is your mum in?'
Boy: 'Does it F look like it?'

An Australian is visiting Northern Ireland and he’s heard from some mates back home that he has to be careful which religion he claims to be while he is there. He walks into a bar one night and is not quite sure if it’s a Catholic or Protestant place so he plays it quietly and sits at the end of the bar minding his own business.

After a few pints he needs to take a leak so he slinks off to the toilet, making sure not to make eye contact with any of the regulars. As he is doing his business he hears someone behind him and then suddenly a sharp knife is pressing against his ribs.

“Are you Protestant or Catholic” says the unknown man.

“Neither,” says the quick thinking Aussie, “I’m Jewish”

“Wow,” says the unknown man, “If I’m not the luckiest Arab in Belfast”

Captain Australia wrote:An Australian is visiting Northern Ireland and he’s heard from some mates back home that he has to be careful which religion he claims to be while he is there. He walks into a bar one night and is not quite sure if it’s a Catholic or Protestant place so he plays it quietly and sits at the end of the bar minding his own business.

After a few pints he needs to take a leak so he slinks off to the toilet, making sure not to make eye contact with any of the regulars. As he is doing his business he hears someone behind him and then suddenly a sharp knife is pressing against his ribs.

“Are you Protestant or Catholic” says the unknown man.

“Neither,” says the quick thinking Aussie, “I’m Jewish”

“Wow,” says the unknown man, “If I’m not the luckiest Arab in Belfast”

LOLZzzzzzzz captain...

A lady is having a baby in a hospital,
as soon as the baby pops out the doctor looks at it, then starts smackin, kicking, and then throws the baby to the floor and then in the garbage can. The lady freaks out and starts screaming "you killed my baby" the doctor looks at her and starts laughin and say "ahah april fools, the baby was already dead!"

There are 3 guys whose care broke down in the desert. One white guy, one indian, and one mexican. They have to walk a long way to the nearest town. They each can take one thing with them from the car.

The white guy takes a canteen so that he can drink water when he gets thirsty.

The Indian takes an umbrella to shade himself from the sun.

The white guy and indian start walking untill they hear a loud noise, they turn around to see the mexican ripping the car door off.

They ask him "Why are you taking the car door?"




The Mexican says "So when it gets hot, I can roll down the window"