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Less Known Facts - about Bill Gates

1. Bill Gates earns US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!

2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up because during the 4 seconds he picks it, he would've already earned it back.

3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion dollars, if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.

4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$5 Million for his pocket money.

5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and eat, and keeps up his annual income i.e. US$30 Million, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.

6. If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.

7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to US$1 notes , you can make a road from the earth to moon, 14 times back and forth.But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 planes to transport all the money.

8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he will live for another 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish all his money before he goes to heaven.

Last but not the least:

The Best One!!

9. If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will be bankrupt in 3 years.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

The Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.

As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.

When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.

The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"

The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"

The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"

The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"

Three Things to Ponder

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic the US government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around the country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't they just give them theirs? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and it's not being used anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that they can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Letter From a Farm Kid

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Alice

Survivor - Texas Style
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville .

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.

From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm Gay,"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks,"
"Boycott Beef,"
"I Voted for Obama,"
"George Strait Sucks,"
"Hillary in 2012" and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

How To Deal With Dutch People

(1) Many foreigners call everything Dutch…well…'Dutch'. Don't! The word Dutch reminds Dutch people of the word Duits which is used for Germans and other things he dislikes. A Dutch person is a Hollander or a Nederlander.

(2) As a foreigner, don't ever try to speak Dutch. Not only will you get an enormous headache but the Hollanders will not understand what you mean. Foreigners are supposed to speak English or Gibberish. In the latter case they will be an easy target for pickpockets since they will not be able to talk to the police.

(3) Don't ever try to eat 'drop'. (Dutch Licorice) Drop is a sort of candy that can only be eaten by Hollanders. It can be recognized by the colour: black. The taste is a blend between earwax and paint (black). Hollanders absolutely adore the stuff and eat many kilo's of it. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners that were made to believe the stuff is actually edible.

(4) Don't buy wooden shoes. They will look completely ridiculous. Which is the reason they will try to sell them to you. A Hollander himself would not want to be found dead wearing them.(Preferably a Hollander doesn't want to be found dead at all).

(5) Don't make holes in the dikes. Such behaviour is commonly disapproved and in extreme cases it can get you stoned by wooden shoes. But feel free to put your finger in the dike if you feel the urge. It will at least get you a few laughs from the natives.

(6) A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in mind it is very easy to cope with most Hollanders. If you ever get in an argument with a Hollander, tell him he was absolutely right and that you now realize how wrong you were. Now he will go crazy: Since you're a foreigner, you can never be right. You agree with him, therefore he couldn't be right. Impossible. He's a Hollander. But…then…he…Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander will try to strangle himself with a tulip.

(7) Mills are inevitable.

(8) It is not necessary to fake interest for tulips, mills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows you came for the soft drugs and the Amsterdam red-light district. Both are widely spread and easy to find. Just ask any Hollander over age 6 or a French tourist. (See points 19 and 20)

(9) Avoid soccer fans at all times. Soccer in Holland is just an excuse to crush the skulls of practically everybody else, including yours. This mainly takes place when the game is lost…or tied…or won. It is extremely foolish to stand next to a cop during these festivities (see point 10) Also remember never to mention the 1974 cup finals near a Hollander. He will instantly pull you into a long-lasting litany about how good 'Orange' played then and how good…blablablabla…

(10)Cops in Holland are mainly used to throw stuff at. If you get the uncontrollable desire to hit someone, take on a cop. No Hollander will pay any attention if you hit a cop, put a knife in his cranium or firmly kick him in the butt. Cops represent authority and not one Hollander recognizes a higher authority then himself. You will notice the fact that most cops are actually foreigners that were lured into this job.

(11)Hollanders do not like spending money. They would rather cut of an ear. A Hollander will be your friend for life if you give him something for free. This might explain the great success of McDonalds in Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

(12)Holland is small. It is sometimes rumoured that Holland is so small they take it inside when it's raining. This is not true because it rains 365 days a year. This also explains the wooden shoes: they float. Yes…Holland is small and Hollanders are very proud of it. They will use any opportunity to say that Holland accomplished such great things for such a small country. A fitting answer would be to refer to it's colonial past. Which brings us to point 13.

(13)If you want to insult a Hollander - and sooner or later you will want to - tell him you don't think he's a pacifist. Now start running for your life. He will not stop trying to prove he's the most peace-loving person in the world until your intestines are on the street. As mentioned earlier, mentioning the so-called colonial past in Suriname or Indonesia, will instantly reduce the Hollander to a sniffling child, begging for forgiveness.

(14)Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. Nonsense. They just make too much money selling drugs and Malaysian women, to miss the opportunity to make so much profit.

(15)The most important way of public transportation in Holland is the bicycle. Feel free to take any bike of which you can pick the lock. Just don't expect your own bike to be in the same spot where you parked it 3 minutes earlier. Hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Good luck!

(16)At almost every bread meal in Holland you will find a mean looking big knife with a sharp slide in it. It is called a 'kaasschaaf' and is used to cut very thin slices of cheese (Yes, it's a Dutch invention). Never cut cheese with a regular knife, you will make yourself completely ridiculous. Another typical eating tool is the so-called bottlescraper. Beware, don't use it for that annoying itch on your back. It's designed to scrape the last bits of yoghurt or mayonnaise out of the bottle. A Hollander will use every millimeter of the product he bought. He paid for it, he'll eat it, no matter what.

(17)At the time this was written, the Dutch economy was doing pretty good. Hollanders maintain the idea that this is the result of intensive negotiations between different parties like unions, employers and politicians. They even have a name for it: the poldermodel. One likes to convince foreigners this poldermodel is the key to a successful economy and if those same foreigners would be smart enough to follow their example, their economy would be flourishing as well. This is a load of crap. Hollanders just like to talk, talk, talk. By calling all this chattering negotiating they give themselves the impression they're doing something useful. Talk is never cheap in Holland.

(18)Hollanders drown fried patato-sticks (Chips) in litres of mayonnaise and put it in a pointed paper bag. This is called : Een patatje met. One such bag is able to keep you alive for an unlimited period of time. It is only uncertain if this is a life worth living. But there have been sightings of tourists actually enjoying a patatje met.

(19)Holland has a unique service for -mainly- France tourist. At the moment they pass the border, they are enthusiastically welcomed by youngsters in fast cars. These youngsters have the explicit wish to show these tourists the way to the many interesting tourist-attractions Holland has to offer. Strangly, they always end up in a coffee-shop or drug house though. (see point 20) Weird people, the French.

(20)There is a fast and foolproof way of embarrassing yourself in Holland.Enter a coffeeshop and ask for a cappuccino with a biscuit. Coffeeshops -remember this- do not sell coffee. They do however have a large variety of stimulating products at reasonable prices. For unknown reasons, coffeeshops are very popular amongst young French tourists.

(21)A 'Fries' is a sort of spare-Hollander that lives in the north in a province all for themselves. They love frozen water, Beerenburg (a form of euthanasia with alcohol) and endlessly pointing out that other Hollanders are not Fries. The rest of Holland looks at this behaviour the same way parents will look at an obstinate child.

(22)When it comes to what books to bring to Holland, I would advise the following:The complete works of William Shakespeare or a leather-bound part of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (part Fr to He of the 1913 edition). Both books have about the proper weight to keep a pushy pimp or dealer away from you with a well aimed swing. After this I would advice you to drop the book since this greatly improves your speed during your getaway. Make sure you bring enough books.

(23)Don't bother renting a car. Not only will you be able to steal more bikes then you can use but car traffic in Holland is not something to enjoy. Where the rest of the world uses kilometres to express the lengths of traffic jams, in Holland these are measured in weeks. To be honest, the most steadfast ones are worth a visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can greatly improve your mood if your somewhat philosophical. Bring some pieces of bread to throw through the open windows. The fights over them are often very spectacular.

(24)In contradiction of many rumours, it is not legal to bring your mother in law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to take matters into their own hands.

(25)Whether you're catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl the god of all Honest politicians, in Holland it will be easy to find a church, temple or oak tree of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant to other religions and believes. This is not true. The only reason Holland has so much churches, sects or cults is the fact they have a difference in opinion about everything. A Hollander is always right (see point 6) and everyone that does not agree can beat it and start his own church.

(26)Holland is a kingdom.It just doesn't have a king but a queen and her husband is not king but a prince. The queen does not rule -much- but she's very capable in cutting ribbons and visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state banquettes. Her son, the crown prince, will take over if she stops queening. His wife in turn will be queen so that Holland will finally have a king and queen again.April 30 is queensday but it is not the birthday of the queen but princes Juliana's, who used to be queen. With things like this it's only logical that more and more people want Holland to be a republic. Queensday, by the way, is just an excuse to drink lots of beer and sell all their old junk on the streets.

(27)It would be wise to learn how to swim before you come to Holland.No, the dikes will hold, that's not the problem, but the large amount of lakes, streams, rivers canals and creaks could lead to painful mistakes. That shiny new strip of asphalt you're turning on to with your car during rain might not be an asphalt road at all.

(28)Dutch painting.Dutch painters get famous after they die. This is a very sensible rule from the buyers point of view. Not only will the artist have to make a lot of paintings to earn a living, it also produces some very nice investments. The painters however do not share this opinion and in at least one case this lead to selfmutalation of an ear.

(29)If one of your Dutch friends invites you for a birthday, prepare for a unique experience. Unique in the way that you can only compare it to taking a seat in a wooden chair with a sharp nail driven trough the seat and afterwards not being able to move for a month. More then one foreigner has been driven to the brink of madness by attending a Dutch birthday. The regular Dutch birthday party consists mainly of sitting still and talking to others about your job, your car, politics and foreigners. You are expected to leave somewhere about 23:00 and you will be grateful you can.

(30)Holland has more cities then Amsterdam.There is…eh…and…Well, there are more cities.

(31)Dutch beer has built up quite reputation for itself. Some people even drink it! Brewing is on of the things Hollanders are traditionally very good at. Holland has never been a country where anything was more interesting then drinking yourself half blind or painting landscapes. This made the beer industry very popular rapidly. Expert say that once you've tasted Dutch beer like Heiniken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other kinds of beer taste like tap water in a lousy hotel.

(32)Dutch tap water is safe to drink. This is remarkable if you realise most of it comes from polluted rivers like the Rhine. Plans to improve the waterquality in the Rhine so that fish like the salmon can return there to mate, invokes a lot of protests from the Dutch. The idea of fish having sex in their drinking water upsets them.

(33)Dutch political debates are as boring as a 3-day lecture on famous Swedish sport heroes between 1762 and 1809.No shouting like 'Hear hear!!', no fistfights in front of a camera, not even politicians calling each other incompetent once in a while. (And there really are some amongst Dutch politicians). No, telling your opponent you have doubts about his policy is about the worst thing you can say. The result is that the interest for elections dropped drastically amongst Dutch voters. At the last voting only two elects showed up. The first one got lost on his way to the toilet and the second one was an illegal refugee who thought he came to the right place to get a visa.

In Holland you can;

1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.

2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.

3. a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed

4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.

5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....

6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.

7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country

8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.

9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.

10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

You know you're a Persian when..

1. A visa is not a credit card.
2. You refer to your dad's friends as Amu
3. You have an endless supply of pistachios, dates, and pumpkin seeds..
4. Your parents say you're becoming Americanized anytime you get into trouble.
5. You curse at your teachers or strangers in Farsi.
6. You can spot another Persian a mile away and they have spotted you because they keep staring.
7. After a family meal, the women fight to death over who should wash the dishes while the men sit on their behinds and discuss politics, waiting for their coffee/tea.
8. Your parents want you to become a doctor or engineer.
9.You use your forehead and eyebrow(s) to point something out.
10. Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if you're in the next room.
11. You have at least thirty cousins.
12. You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal.
13. You are standing next to the largest suitcases at the Airport
14. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
15. You say bye 17 times on the phone.
16. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover they know one of your uncles back home.
17. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.
18. Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
19.You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
20.Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
21. You still came back home to live with your parents after you graduate.
22. You teach Westerners swearwords in Farsi
23. You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".
24. Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day.
25. You get yelled at for talking when the NEWS is on.

Student-Teacher Exchanges


1. TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!


3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!


4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!


5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!


6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
ago.
WILLIE: Me!


7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."


10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

A Mexican, A Canadian, And An American are walking together down a road, when they stumble upon a lamp with a genie in it.After they rub the lamp, a Genie pops out and says"Okay, you all get 1 wish each, who's going first?"

The Mexican says"Oh, ME, ME!" "I want A 2-mile wide road across Mexico"

Genie, "Granted!" POOF!

American, "Now me! I want a 20 foot brick wall around all of the USA to keep the Canadians out"

Genie, "Granted!" POOF

Genie, "Okay Canadian, It's Your turn!"

Canadian, "Is that wall you put around the USA waterproof?"

Genie, "Yup!"

Canadian, "Fill 'er Up!"

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo,
the keeper finds two finches that have dropped dead from old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not" he says as he puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals in the sack, into the lions' cage.

"Bloody hell" roars the lion..."Not finch and chimps again!"

An Arab Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,

but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school

with my gold Mercedes when all my teatchers

travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad

with a million dollar cheque saying:

"Stop embarassing us any longer,

go and get yourself a train too"

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper,Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks..

His bookkeeper is deaf & dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't we just LOVE Lawyers?!

A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"

The man spells, "V A N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.

Don't get it.

There's no stink-ing chocolate?

WhiteJade wrote:Don't get it.

There's no stink-ing chocolate?

You got it, its a play on words

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"

A unit in s.e.x education was about to begin, and each student had to bring
in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip
and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long
as there's no homework."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a

monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and

says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the

night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix

his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but

they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes

about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the

same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his

car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had

heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,

"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to

become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how

many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand

pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a

monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he

returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I

have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked

for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and

281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations! You are now a monk. We

shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the

man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is

right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He

says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him

the key, and he opens

the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of

stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The

monks give him the key, and he

opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet

another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door

is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went

until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver,

topaz, amethyst . . .

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last

door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns

the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the

source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because . . . you're not a

monk!

-- Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:48 am --

The Board of Trustees of a nearby University, decides to test the Professors, to see if they really know their stuff. First they take a Math Prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, they give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.

-- Mon Apr 26, 2010 6:42 am --

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

-- Mon Apr 26, 2010 6:44 am --

-- Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:48 am --

The Board of Trustees of a nearby University, decides to test the Professors, to see if they really know their stuff. First they take a Math Prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, they give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.

-- Mon Apr 26, 2010 6:42 am --

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

-- Mon Apr 26, 2010 6:46 am --

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

-- Wed Apr 28, 2010 3:26 pm --

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" The
second guy says, "No." "A bald eagle just flew over head." "Oh." A couple
of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No." "There
was a black bear walking on that hill over there." "Oh." A few minutes
later the second guy says, "Did you see that?" The second guy, getting
aggravated, says, "Yes, I did!" The first guy then says, "Then why did you
step in it?"

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there's something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I've read about it." He says that it's not a problem, and they are married.

On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she's a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I've read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69.

The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?"

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

What does everyone have two of on their face? Tulips.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims (or busted up boxes and missing lamps).

What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.

The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.

What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower? They both have bees coming after them.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by the diameter? Pumpkin Pi.

What do you call a country where people drive only pink cars? A pink carnation.

New gardeners learn by trowel and error. (hardy har har)

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. (not a gardening joke, but I like it.)

A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says...



'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ‘Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'

The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...’probably at work’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!