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Jewish Humour

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> This type of humour was normal during the late forties and early fifties
> You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. But don't you miss their humour?
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> Not one single swear word in their comedy.
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> * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
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> * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
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> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
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> * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
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> * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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> * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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> * I was just in London ; there is a 8-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
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> * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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> * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
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> * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
> Patient: "I am 60!"
> Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
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> * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
> The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
> The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
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> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
> Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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> * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
> The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
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> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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> * Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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> * Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
> They never let anyone finish a sentence!
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> * A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
> "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
> The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
> She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
> The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
> The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
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> * A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
> She asks, "What part is it?"
> The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
> The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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> * Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
> Under the vacuum cleaner.
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> * Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
> "Force yourself," she replied.
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> * Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
> Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
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