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Two Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious
to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his
office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone
and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous
that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at
least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned
to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for
you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

Some of the Brits on their forum did not think this video was funny but I enjoyed it. Nothing like a good pratical joke. They sure are a grumpy bunch. Must be all the rain they get that makes them depressed. The weather can play on your mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na1btkL7epM

It was OK I guess, seen better though

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him
its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to
wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached,
they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of
the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull
loose?"

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women
were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a
secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my
age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

An Emarati man and Lebanese man lost their wifes in a shopping center, so they were searching for them.
The Emarati asked the lebanese: How does your wife look?
The Lebanese replied: She is a blonde with short skirt and a shirt showing her stomach and big breasts, How about your wife how does she look?
The Emarati replied: Forget about her, let us find your wife

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'





























--

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."

Scary stories! Keep going!

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Hi There !!

Nice Jokes

Thanks & Regards
Annete Duffel

Father tomato, mother tomato and tomato kids are walking on the street, when the kids got a little behind, father tomato turned back and shouted: cetch up!

---Pulp Fiction

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit

the store ONLY ONCE!



There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the

shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you

may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go

up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men

have jobs.



The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs

and love kids.



The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,

love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks,

but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men

have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and

help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly

stand it!"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These

men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous,

help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the

sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men

on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,
this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.
Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy
onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his
pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30
minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking
and quivering.

'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew?
'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man.
Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and
shaking again..
'Are you sure you're alright sir?'
'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make.
I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring
a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.'
'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?'
'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

canuckbid wrote:

A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father
of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU
think."

New Economic Lingo - the Crisis Special





1. CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.


2. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.


3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius.


4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no
jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps
crashing.


7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
themselves.

sage & onion wrote:A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father
of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU
think."

ghahahahaahahahah ...lmaoo....hahahaha....sage.. you have done it.. you are the man..

ahamed wrote:

sage & onion wrote:A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed
into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father
of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU
think."

ghahahahaahahahah ...lmaoo....hahahaha....sage.. you have done it.. you are the man..

Glad you appreciate Ahamed.

The Two Cow Explanation


1. A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one
and give one to your neighbor.


2. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes
one and gives it to your neighbor.


3. A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So what?


4. A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people
into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one
to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to
your neighbor. You feel righteous.


5. A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes
both and provides you with milk.


6. A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes
both and sells you the milk. You join the underground
and start a campaign of sabotage.


7. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The
government taxes you to the point you have to sell both
to support a man in a foreign country who has only one
cow, which was a gift from your government.


8. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell
one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


9. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The
government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk
down the drain.


10. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell
one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only a couple of months?A: Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years."
----------------------------

What's green and has wheels?

A Frog

I lied about the wheels
-----------------------------

Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
------------------------------

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following
sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see. Fun
period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!"