TwisterR
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"What does the cow say?\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"
Child: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Moo!\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"
Mother: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Great! What does the cat say?\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"
Child: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Meow.\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"
Mother: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Oh, you\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'re so smart What does the frog say?\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Bud.\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"
easternjewel
I din get it :scratch:
nacdxb
:scratch:
arniegang
EJ
dont worry i dont get it either, i think there is a problem with the "punch-line"
sniper420
Oh u dumbos didnt get it yet.......................same here........ :lol:
it seems the joke was cut and pasted...
arniegang
ok
hers an arnie special
A man cook a "deer" for dinner. His kids ask what meat it is, but he wont tell them.
So he said he would give them a clue.
"Its what mummy calls daddy sometimes" he says.
His little girl cries out.........
"ohhh nooo we cant eat that then because its a "fuckin asshole"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
arniegang
Heres one for the Irish
Paddy the electrician was sacked from the Prison Service today, for refusing to repair the "Electric Chair".
Paddy said "it was a fekin death trap"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
sniper420
- arniegang wrote:
ok
hers an arnie special
A man cook a "deer" for dinner. His kids ask what meat it is, but he wont tell them.
So he said he would give them a clue.
"Its what mummy calls daddy sometimes" he says.
His little girl cries out.........
"ohhh nooo we cant that then because its a "fuckin asshole"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Ur wife calls u "fuckin asshole"?.......ur wife is veracious person!
easternjewel
- arniegang wrote:
ok
hers an arnie special
A man cook a "deer" for dinner. His kids ask what meat it is, but he wont tell them.
So he said he would give them a clue.
"Its what mummy calls daddy sometimes" he says.
His little girl cries out.........
"ohhh nooo we cant eat that then because its a "fuckin asshole"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
haha gud one :wink:
Jupiter
Comparing Moods of a woman and a Man ]
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1 Dubai Jobs .com The First Place to Find a Job in Dubai
cadmus
One from my side also....
Arnei was sitting in a tub feeling Happy
Then happy got up and He left the tub. :twisted:
sniper420
- cadmus wrote:
One from my side also....
Arnei was sitting in a tub feeling Happy
Then happy got up and He left the tub. :twisted:
hehehe that Happy was HP...hehehe perv :lol:
irish vanessa
I like the irish man one arnie....
Those of you who dont get it need to come here, have the craic and drink more :cheers:
arniegang
I knew you would like it Vanessa
:wink:
ilfab
Lads, for those who didn't get the first joke (shame on u ;o) )
The punch line wasa reference to a certain beer ad whereu could see frogs sayin "bud" instead of what the noise they normally make 'whatever it is).
nacdxb
An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."
nacdxb
Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.
Dubai Knight
A little guy is sitting in a cafe by the motorway having his breakfast, when 3 Hells Angels walk in. Seeing him they swagger over, one picks up his tea and drinks it, then spits it all in his face...the next one takes his breakfast and smears it all over his head...the last one takes his toast and marmalade and stuffs it down the back of the guys shirt!
The guy says nothing, just gets up and walks out.
The Hells Angels go up to the counter and say to the man behind the counter, who is cleaning glasses:
"He wasn't much of a man was he?"
The cafe owner is looking out of the window and says "He's not much of a driver either...he's just driven a 40 foot artic over 3 Harleys in the car park!"
8)
Knight
GoodBai
A man goes to the doctor for treatment for a body rash and the doc prescribes camomile lotion and viagra.
"Why viagra?" asks the man.
"It will help to keep the sheets off your body during the night," replies the doctor.
Alyapal
A mounted cop was out on patrol one winters evening when he comes across a young lad on a brand new bike.
The cop says down to the kid "that’s a lovely new bike did Santa bring it to you?" " he sure did" says the kid all please with himself, the cop sits back and writes out a fine for £25 and says to the kid "next year ask Santa to put a light on it".
The kids annoyed so he says to the cop "that’s a lovely horse you got there did Santa bring it to you? he sure did said the cop all pleased with himself , the kid looks under the horse then back up at the cop and says " well maybe next year you could ask Santa to put the prick underneath the horse instead of on top of it (",)
arniegang
A couple both in their 80's were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For over an hour they were at it, arms and legs going everywhere, until they both fell to the floor.
"fekin hell" she said " you didn't fek me like that 50 years ago"
The old man replied " 50 years ago, that wasnt a electric fence"
Alyapal
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have s e x."
He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have s e x."
Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.
The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" (",)
nacdxb
There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"
nacdxb
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
nacdxb
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.
The drunk says, "I haven`t got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender figures that he can`t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
Again, the drunk says, "I haven`t got it."
The bartender can`t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
uaeaussie
The New Penis Tax!
Don't Forget to Pay all of Your Taxes!
The Tax days are near, so please read the following to make certain that you
have paid all of your taxes for either yourself or your husband or boyfriend.
The only thing any Government has not taxed is the male penis. This is due to
the fact that:
40 % of the time it is hanging around unemployed
20 % of the time it is pissed off,
30 % of the time it is hard up
10 % of the time it is in the hole.
On top of this it has two dependents and both of them are nuts!
According to the income tax ammendment act 2005, your penis will be taxed
according to its size.
To determine your category, please refer to Schedule 2 of the Income Tax return
Form 8 which states the following:
10 to 12 inches ------ Luxury tax -------- $ 50.00
8 to 10 inches ------- Pole tax ------------ $ 45.00
5 to 8 inches -------- Privilege Tax ------ $ 40.00
3 to 5 inches -------- Standard Tax ------ $ 30.00
Anyone under 3 inches is entitled to a refund of 20 % and special relief as a
handicapped person.
Those who exceed 12 inches will be liable for Capital Gains Tax. If you have any
queries, please contact the nearest Tax office. :shock: :shock: :shock:
uaeaussie
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in,
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was
heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right
beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business
trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm
going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "
What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded.
"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one
popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when,
in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the
best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
uaeaussie
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So
> > > the
> > >
> > > morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,
> > >
> > > Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and
> > > the
> > >
> > > mortician pulled back the sheet.
> > >
> > > Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
> > >
> > > So the mortician rolled him over.
> > >
> > > Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
> > >
> > > The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
> > > Sean
> > >
> > > in to identify the body.
> > >
> > > Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll
> > > him
> > >
> > > over".
> > >
> > > The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No,
> > > it
> > >
> > > ain't Paddy".
> > >
> > > The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
> > >
> > > Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
> > >
> > > "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
> > >
> > > "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into
>town,
> > >
> > >
> > > folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > ***********************************************************
> > > Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
> > >
> > > checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is
> > > illegal
> > >
> > > to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
> > >
> > > "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman
> > > retorts
> > >
> > > disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
>five
> > >
> > > persons.""
> > >
> > > You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means
> > > four.
> > >
> > > You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking
> > > the
> > >
> > > law.
> > >
> > > "The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
> > > over
> > >
> > > I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
> > >
> > > "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat
> > > Uno."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > ***********************************************************
> > >
> > > Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back
> > > to
> > >
> > > show off his new flat.
> > >
> > > After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the
> > > large
> > >
> > > gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
> > >
> > > What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
> > >
> > > Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
> > >
> > > "How does it work?"
> > >
> > > "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering
> > > blow
> > >
> > > with an unpadded hammer.
> > >
> > > Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For
> > >
> > > ****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > ***********************************************************
> > >
> > > A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is
>going
> > >
> > > to get married.
> > >
> > > He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female
> > >
> > > friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one
> > > I'm
> > >
> > > going to marry".
> > >
> > > The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
> > > them
> > >
> > > down on the couch and they chat for a while.
> > >
> > > He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
> > >
> > > She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
> > >
> > > "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
> > >
> > > "I don't like her."
> > >
> > > ***********************************************************
> > >
> > > Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
> > >
> > > charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
> > >
> > > A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
> > >
> > > The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your
> > > daughter
> > >
> > > to death with a spanner."
> > >
> > > Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You
> > > ****ing
> > >
> > > b*stard!!!"
> > >
> > > The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
> > > courtroom,and
> > >
> > > said,
> > >
> > > "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
> > > but
> > >
> > > I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
> > > charge
> > >
> > > you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
> > >
> > > Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For
> > > fifteen
> > >
> > > years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to
>borrow
> > >
> > > a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
irish vanessa
:hello1: :hello1: Very good lads!!
You guys know a hell of a lot of irishman jokes - very impressive 8) :lol:
arniegang
theres an endless supply of paddy jokes Vee
:lol: :lol:
Dubai Knight
- arniegang wrote:
theres an endless supply of paddy jokes Vee
:lol: :lol:
One for every man in Ireland?
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Knight
irish vanessa
The rest of the world just loves taking the piss out of us :pottytrain2:
Its brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol:
I only wish i could some back with some.....
arniegang
you must have some "insider ones" Vee you can share surely
:lol: :lol:
irish vanessa
We have exactly the same jokes except we call them kerryman jokes... :lol:
we slag the farmers from the sticks in the west coast of ireland...
that makes us feel better...
Where u have irish man, we insert kerryman...
No originals, sorry :wink:
Torvalds
You mean you people haven't heard of the Budwiezer commercial? I see why you didn't get it.
jgem
Boy Bastos (perv) in class (grade two).
(Boy Bastos in a class recitation)
Teacher : Who can give me a word that starts with A? Okay, Maria.
Maria : Ma'am, apple.
Teacher : Good. Now who can give me a word that starts with B?
(Nobody raises a hand except for Boy Bastos)
Teacher : O, Boy Bastos.
Boy Bastos : Ma'am, bra!!!
(Everybody laughs. The teacher makes a mental note to not call Boy Bastos again. However, when the
teacher asked for a word that starts with the letter P, no one raised a hand, except for Boy Bastos, so the teacher is forced to call him.)
Boy Bastos : Ma'am, panty!!!
(Again, everybody laughs. So the teacher, again, made a mental note to herself to not call Boy Bastos again. But when the letter Z came up, nobody raised a hand, except, again, for Boy Bastos.)
Teacher : (to self) i bet he wouldnt be able to come up with nasty kinky answer with the letter Z...
Teacher : Okay, Boy Bastos.
Boy Bastos : Ma'am, zebra......... but with a twelve inch d!ck!!!
.................................
:D corny....
i just needed an outlet to de-stress.... :D
jgem
For Womens Use
Boy Bastos was strolling inside a mall when he urgently needed to go the the Toilet.
He went to the nearest Male Toilet but it was out of service. Because he needed to pee so badly, boy bastos went straight inside the Womens Toilet and there he shanked and pee'd. When he got out of the womens toilet, he was caught by the janitor.
Janitor : Hey!!!! why did you pee here?!!!!! don't you know that this is for women's use??
Boy Bastos then opened his Fly and showed his d!ck to to the Janitor.
Boy Bastos : Why??? dont the women use this too??
:D
..................................
Nucleus
Two blondes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progress ively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
intercepting_fist
didn't have a chance to read the whole thread but here's another paddy joke:
what makes up an irish 7 course meal?
a baked potato and a six pack
intercepting_fist
why shouldn't you throw rocks at an irishman on a bike?
/
/
/
/
/
/
it's probably YOUR bike