kamirajput@gmail.com
here you can add jokes as more as possible winner will be announced on regular basis ;)
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
GAB
Blondes! The butt of every joke!! :lol: :lol: :lol: PMSL
Alyapal
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily Iraq briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Unfortunately, yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers
were killed."
"OH JESUS CHRIST, NO!" President Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
fayz
:lol: :lol: :lol: Hahahah, that was funny
Alyapal
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday just weeks before the new season gets underway in Bahrain.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euro's worth of high-tech equipment.
Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.
At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully
changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed, and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
GAB
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Alyapal they are really funny! :lol: :lol: :lol:
cadmus
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
GAB
:lol: PMSL
Alyapal
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo s***. Someone has stolen tent." (",)
arniegang
What did the Bra say to the Hat?
"you go on ahead and i will pick up these two"
:lol: :lol:
1 Dubai Jobs .com The First Place to Find a Job in Dubai
Alyapal
FIRST OF ALL SORRY THIS IS ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS.
I HOPE IT DOES NOT SPOIL YOUR ENJOYMENT IN READING IT.
A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.
IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD" WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:
DEAR DAD,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE
CLOTHES.
BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.
SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND
THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO. BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
YOUR SON, JOHN
P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.
I LOVE YOU!
PS:CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME (",)
Alyapal
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time,
only to discover when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I was then forced to upgrade to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Freesex Plus and Cleanhouse 2006.
Shortly, after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic diary, Explorer and e-mail filter, and can, without warning launch Turbostrop and Whinge. These latter products have no help files, and I have to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express, which need to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. Theseconflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your money files before uninstalling itself.
Any ideas?
(",)
arniegang
There is a bear, a lion and a chicken all talking about who's the hardest.
The bear says, "when i roar the whole forest trembles",
the lion says "when i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear",
The chicken says "all i have to do is Cough, and the whole world shits itself".
:lol:
arniegang
There is a new sex drug on the market. It's 50% Viagra and 50% Prozac.
The trials so far have shown its fantastic.
If you dont get a fcuk, you dont give a fcuk.
:lol:
arniegang
A garbage man knocks on a Japanese mans door, he answers and says "Harrow".
The garbage man says "where is your bin ?"
He replies "I have bin on the loo"
The garbage man says " no mate where is your dustbin"
He replies " I dust bin on the loo, i just told you"
Garbage man says " look mate, where is your Wheelie bin" ?
Mr Jap replies " Ho K i wheelie bin having a w**k"
(for those that dont know, in UK we call garbage cans "dust bins" and others are called Wheelie Bins)
arniegang
3 Sisters Ann, Jan and Fanny.
All have huge feet.
Ann and Jan go out on a date, and one of the dates remarks "geez you both have big feet"
Ann replies "you should have seen our fanny's, they're huge"
arniegang
some of you may not get this one.
Ulrika Johnson has gone to hospital, after sitting on her mobile phone.
Her agent stated that her condition was ok, because its not the first time she has had an "Ericsson" up her arse.
:lol:
arniegang
A farmer grew a whole field of dildo's.
What was his biggest problem?
Squatters.
:lol:
arniegang
A whore got married and was worried that after 19 years of working, she would be a bit loose in the f***y department.
So, on her wedding night, just as her huband was about to enter her, she says to him,
"theres something i have to tell you darling, when i was younger, i caught my f***y on a fence and slipped, so i may seem a little wide, down there".
After lovemaking for 2 hours, the husband stops and says,
"just how far were you across the field, when you noticed you were caught? "
sniper420
Dude this is suggestions part not joke forum. plz put some air into ur so called jokes
Alyapal
Now it's time to see what some UK TV presenters and commentators have
said over the years... Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester
cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tire choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last
night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said :"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Hope you enjoyed them, they are funny.
(",)
Alyapal
Subject: Pilots versus mechanics
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
anS) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Alyapal
Ya got see this
(",)
Alyapal
Hope you enjoy these ....
(",)
GAB
:lol: :lol: :lol:
sniper420
the streaker was fun what do u thing are the chances of a nude female running and scoring a goal?
Alyapal
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game,
sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service
people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward
and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton
stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at
the agent, and shakes his head "no".
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an
unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner
of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind
when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her
collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and
tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,
"Bill you "!^$#@&!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are
jumping up & down, cheering, hooting and hollering,
and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving
to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How
about that!
I would have never believed how much everyone
would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he
asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you
to throw out the first Pitch!" :oops:
Alyapal
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labour, is asked by
the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies. "O.K. do you have a
boyfriend", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a
partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that
the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my
luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a
Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the
midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to
ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby
has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I
desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the
midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry
further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl,
"I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes
collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds
to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the
mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!" "What do you mean!" says the
midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this
horrible feeling that she was going to bark." (",)
DaveDXB
short jokes r always nicer
d3vilish_ang3l_88
- cadmus wrote:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
that was soo funny...it took me a while to understand..but hey!! im innccent!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
hashman
well the other day i was celebrating 26 yrs marriage anniversary with my wife.
I told her "Honey remember 26 yrs ago when we fell in love , we had shady house, shady car, not much money but I had beautiful blond blue eyed lady who was with me all night.
Now "I have loads of money, big bugalow, one porche, Ferrari , Land rover and a BMW but now I have a 50 yr old white haired lady! Doesnt it sound odd?"
My wife is witty reasonable lady and said " Sure I wont mind you hooking up with a 25 yr old lady but I will make sure you go back to have dilapitated house, cranky car and less than zero cash balance!"
:lol:
Alyapal
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I a come.
Den two asses come together.
I come a once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine, retorted the lady indignantly.
In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. .
Heya, coola down lady, said the man. Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
(",)
/