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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her "Where have
you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?

Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know
what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom
this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed
mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5
million Euros. For my little brother, this gold Rolex,
and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited
edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Her Father says, "Now what was it you said you had
become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ...

Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl!
I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and
give your old man a hug!"

Garry Glitter's wife says,"I want a divorce"!

Garry asks, "Why"?

His wife say, "Because you're a paedophile"!

To which Garry say's, " Ohhh, that's a big word for a seven year old".

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in dis gust . The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

A wealthy Texan oil baron is holidaying in Donegal. He has had his huge Cadillac convertible shipped over and is driving along the narrow lanes when he comes across Paddy, a local farmer, leaning on the gate outside a quaint little farmhouse.

"Say buddy..." He says loudly, "You live around these here parts?"

"Oi shure do!" Says Paddy, "Dis is moi house and moi land. It goes all de way down dere to de stream, back up de soide of dat field and back here where oi'm standin...so it does!"

"Well," Says the Texan, striking a match on his chin and lighting a fat Cuban ceegar..."Back where ah come from, you can get in this here automobile at dawn, drive aaalll day, and come sunset...you'll still be on my land!"

"Is dat the truth?" Says Paddy..."You know, oi used to have a shoite car like dat as well!"



Knight

Thanks barastisundowner and Dubai Knight for sharing your stuff..


@ nacdxb: you have good stock about Irish .. good joke

I love irish man jokes!!!

Patrick is shipwrecked on a desert island and whilst wandering along the beach one day, he finds an old bottle washed up on the shore. Opening it, a genie appears and thanks him for letting him out as he had been trapped in there for over 1000 years. In payment, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

Patrick thinks for a while and finally says "You know, oi wish oi had a point of Guinness as oi have a terrible tirst! You know, one of dem points in a noice chilled glass dat seems to go on forever?"

Whoosh! The genie grants him his wish and there in front of him is a beautiful chilled glass of freshly poured Guinness. Patrick downs it in one and it's the finest pint he has ever tasted. As he finishes, the glass magically re-fills itself...

"This glass," says the genie is magical, whenever you finish it, it will always fill itself again...forever!"

"Dat's a bloody handy ting!" says Patrick...

"Now what would you like for your other 2 wishes?" Asks the genie,

Says our Patrick: "Oi'll have anudder two of dose!"

You just inspired me to have a can of the black stuff dubai knight...with blackcurrent of course, gotta have it the girlie way

Ps: why is every irish man called patrick???!!

And every egyptian mohammad, every italian gianni, every german klaus??????????????????

An Englishman sitting at the bar starts a conversation with a scot and a paddy. "My wife went off on holiday the other day with 15 books and she doesn't even read", he says.

The Scot pipes up and says. "That's nothing my wife spent two days downloading music onto a ipod to take away on her holiday and she doesn't even like listening to music".

The paddy joins in, "My wife went off on holiday the other day, she packed 100 condoms and doesn't have a penis?!"

Go on ye good thing paddy

ignorance is bliss, eh?!

Murphy and O'Connell are in bed together...

Murphy says: "You know O'Connell, oi don't tink much o'dis woife swapping ting!"





(Not a Patrick or a Paddy in soight!!)

Knight

Brilliant!!!!

OK...a long one, but worth it for the punch line(s)!

Blind O'Driscoll is fed up with being treated like an invalid and decides it is time he got out and started functioning like a normal human being. He learns how to read Braille, he gets himself a guide dog and reasons that he should have a hobby like normal fully sighted people so starts to try out various different sports, with varying degrees of success.

He takes up parachuting, but that upset the dog as the only time he knew when to pull the ripcord...was when the lead went slack...

He took up football and that went well as they tied lots of bells to the ball and he and all his blind friends could then play together...until the Morris Dancers came to the village pub and had to be hospitalised after they were nearly kicked to death...

But using his initiative, and the lessons learned from the football match, he took up golf. He attached little bells to the golf ball and got a friend to shake it just before he put it on the tee. That told O'Driscoll where the ball was. Another friend stood by the hole and rang another bell...that told him where to hit it and, through hours and hours of practice, he got his handicap down to scratch.

Eventually he had played and beaten all his friends and all the good players at the local club and became a bit of a celebrity. But he was not satisfied and decided to challenge a really good player to a match. He asked the club chairman to recommend a serious good golfer that could offer him a decent game and the chairman said

"Well Tiger Woods is the best player in the world, but he charges $1 million just to turn up and play!"

"Foine!" says O'Driscoll, who had been left a little money by his aunt..."Get him on de phone and get him over here!"

The Chairman calls Tigers manager and explains the situation. The manager laughs and asks if he realises how much Tiger charges...the chairman says O'Driscoll is willing to pay him 2 million, winner takes all! Tiger is on the plane the next day!

When he arrives at the club, he meets O'Driscoll for the first time and suddenly realises that he is blind! "Damn!" says Tiger, "I can't play you, you're blind!"

"Listen sonny..." says O'Driscoll, "Oi've just put 2 million dollars on de table for de chance to play youse, now do you want it, or are youse goin to wimp out?"

"Right," says Tiger rising to the challenge..."You got yourself a game of golf! When d'you wanna play?"

"Oh..." says O'Driscoll tip tapping his way out of the club house...

"...Any noight dis week is foine wit me!!!"



Knight

Ha ha...o driscoll is a legend!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you know so many irish jokes knight??? Where u fwom???

Im guessing UK cus they always take the piss o us innocent irish!

irish vanessa wrote::D Ha ha...o driscoll is a legend!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you know so many irish jokes knight??? Where u fwom???

Im guessing UK cus they always take the piss o us innocent irish!

I've got Scottish, Welsh and Cornish as well sweetheart! Not met an Irish man or woman yet who is 'innocent'!



Knight

Its the eyes...they scream innocence...

But maybe in reality...we aint so...

Soooooo, u a mongrel eh??!!

irish vanessa wrote:Its the eyes...they scream innocence...

But maybe in reality...we aint so...

Soooooo, u a mongrel eh??!!

Ruff!

Nope, if you cut my leg off, it says 'Made in England' all the way through! Or would that be 'Mad in England?'



Knight

What accent????

Ill judge u on that

(scottish/welsh i pray!)

irish vanessa wrote:What accent????

Ill judge u on that

(scottish/welsh i pray!)

Not bad at all the accents...apart from Geordie!

OK: Scottish...

Man is staying in a remote hotel on the west coast of Scotland and, after checking in, goes to the bar, which he notices is a beautiful piece of woodwork. Carved, polished, inlaid with brass, it really is impressive.

Sitting at the bar is a lone Scotsman, kilt, dirk...the whole genuine 9 yards. The guy buys himself a nice double Glenkinchie single malt and approches the wiry old Scot and asks him if he knows who built the bar.

"Aye," says the be-sporraned one, "Ah built this bar with mah own bare hands, every inch of at lovingly crafted. But do they call me McGreggor the bar maker? Noooo!"

"Ye see that panelling in the reception?" The man turns and looks and realises that the whole area is delightfully fitted out in wooden panels, beautifully fitted, stained, waxed and burnished to a deep lustre. "Ah made every one of they panels with mah own bare hands, futted them and polished them masel! But do they call me McGreggor the panel maker? Noooo!"

"Tek a look oot tha windae!" says the Scot, and the man look out onto a fantastically laid out formal garden with weeping willows dipping their heads into babbling brooks, edged with Highland granite, box hedging borders neatly trimmed and grass lawns that would have graced St Andrews golf club.

"Ah bult tha' garden wi ma own bare hands! Designed at, bult at and care fur at daily. But do they call me McGreggor the gardener? Nooo!"

He looked up wistfully and said...

"But you shag just one sheep.............!"



Knight

Taff and his mate Jones the Steam are drinking in the pub one afternoon when one of them sees a poster advertising a forthcoming attraction in the village hall.

"Maestro the Medium"
Can contact the other world and help you get in touch with your long lost relatives!...entry 50p. Tea and toast courtesy of the Chapel womens league"

"Blimey Jones!" says Taff "That looks interestin', I could do with contacting the late Auntie Flo and findin out where she hid the keys to Morgans tractor before she popped 'er clogs!"

"Don be daaft!" Says Jones, "The mans probably just a fraud, but it might be a laugh an' I does fancy tea an toast!"

So they down their pints and head for the village hall. The place is packed with lots of blue rinses and the only seats they can get are right at the back. So on comes Maestro the Medium...who is obviously from Caerphilly...and he starts the proceedings by asking the room in a dramatic, deep and booming voice:
"Is there anybody here who has seen a ghost?"
One or two people in the room put their hands up, including Taff. Jones is surprised and whispers "Put yer 'and down Taff, you've not seen one!"
"I 'ave!" protests Taff,

Maestro then asks: "Have any of you who have seen a ghost actually spoken to it?" all the hands in the room go down...except for Taff.

Jones is flummoxed. "Taff, you never seen one, or spoken to it, put yer 'and down!"
"I 'ave!" says Taff indignantly

Maestro sees Taff with his hand still up and addresses his next question to Taff "And do you remember anything special about this apparition?"

"Oh yes", says Taff it was very soft and warm actually!"

Maestro is amazed. "Really? Well my, my you are the first person I have met who has ever actually touched one!"

Taff looks down shamefully..."Actually, its worse than that...I gave it a damn good shaggin' too!"

The whole room looks round in horror! Maestro is almost apoplectic on the stage..."Are you telling me, young man, that you had carnal knowledge with a ghost?"

"Ghost??" Says Taff..."Oh sorry, I thought you said 'Goat'!!!"



Knight