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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his love life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're making love?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once whilst making love; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Ireland sunbathe.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Ireland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in
Ireland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Ireland go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Ireland have a last barby before it gets cold.
-10 degrees - People in Miamiare extinct.
People in Ireland lick flagpoles.
-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Ireland throw on a light jacket.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Ireland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Irish cows
complain of farmers with cold hands.
- 460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Ireland start saying "It's a biting cold ...?"
- 500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Irish people support England in the World Cup.
============================================

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"

Concord wrote:

naruto wrote:A DOG attack a girl in NEWYORK .Then a man comes and save her from the DOG..LATER apolice man thanks the guy and said they should put you in the news paper and write BRAVE NEWYORKER SAVE A GIRL FROM BAD DOG .the man reply BUT IM NOT AN NEWYORKER. the police man said ok they should write AN AMERICAN SAVE A GIRL FROM A BAD DOG . the man reply but im not an american im A SOMALIAN MUSLIM .next day in the news paper A TERRORIST MUSLIM FROM SOMALIA KILLS AN INECENT DOG!!!!!!!

Is that supposed to be funny or just your attempt at "political" agendas?

well im sorry if u think that ..but i thout it will be funny ..and im sorry again..i didnt mean to be racist.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Nick81 wrote:

naruto wrote:A DOG attack a girl in NEWYORK .Then a man comes and save her from the DOG..LATER apolice man thanks the guy and said they should put you in the news paper and write BRAVE NEWYORKER SAVE A GIRL FROM BAD DOG .the man reply BUT IM NOT AN NEWYORKER. the police man said ok they should write AN AMERICAN SAVE A GIRL FROM A BAD DOG . the man reply but im not an american im A SOMALIAN MUSLIM .next day in the news paper A TERRORIST MUSLIM FROM SOMALIA KILLS AN INECENT DOG!!!!!!!

FAIL'D

well sorry u didnt like it

Mindnu wrote:At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

14. Every time you opened the Windows, the car would inexplicably crash and you would have to send Bill Gates $10!



Knight

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

Nice thread

This important information will help the women this summer

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For Ladies Ladies, read carefully to the end.
This info is going to be very useful this summer...
You are in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you simply must have.
The female shopper in front of you(u r second in queue) has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses at home.
so no money to buy the shoes.
It would be totally rude and useless to push the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper(first in the queue) and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she(ur friend) could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, 'whilst it is in flight' you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had 'actually been thrown' it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Now u must be wondering why i have posted this scroll down

Congratulations to women - You have just learned the offside rule!

Enjoy the World Cup if i wudnt have posted this, the women wud never ever had learned the offside rule cuz for their dumbness

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to
their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't
show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown
pants.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After
a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, their stands Bob, the next doors
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800
dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but
excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back
up
in the towel and goes back upstairs to disclose to her
husband.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next
door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband
says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars
he owes me?"